Recent Pokemon GO changes make the game even more like the main series, so stop crying

With the recent update of Pokémon GO Niantic removed the feet icon from beneath monsters, a feature that only worked around the first week of launch that allowed players to have an idea of how far away their intended target was. Then today sites used to cheat and see where Pokémon spawn have been shut down apparently at the request of Niantic and Nintendo.

Now everywhere I look I see people outraged that they can no longer see footprints or cheat by using external websites and honestly, you’re all fucking casuals. A tried and truePokémon player would recognize that this only makes the game more like the core series. Now instead of relying on websites to spoonfeed you the location of creature spawns, you actually have to wander around and hope you stumble upon one, just like every other game in the series; also how the game has been played in every country since release except the first few. Niantic realized it didn’t need this feature to be successful.

I guess ‘only 90’s kids remember’ that?

What has been known as the ‘three steps bug’ has been around for some time, meaning you’ve been playing the game this way anyways, so what is the big deal? You still can find creatures by watching to see which is closest to the top of your tracker as far as I know, which means it is even easier than the core series.

Now I know what some of you will say, “But Jed, in the games creatures only spawn in certain areas of the world.” You’re correct, and it is the exact same thing in Pokémon GO, as certain creatures only spawn in certain regions, and many parks spawn the same Pokémondaily. If you’re near water, then water based monsters spawn, which is just like in the games!

Don’t get me wrong, I understand why you’d be upset over a feature being removed from a game, but it still plays exactly the same, only now you can’t cheat. So stop being casual, start wondering around more, and try not to get shot. Protip: it is harder to catch Pokémonwith tears in your eyes.

The men of Craigslist attempt to capitalize on Pokemon GO’s popularity to have sex

Sometimes I like to stare into the abyss known as the personals section on popular classified ads site Craigslist. I’m not sure why I do this to myself because I always walk away disturbed. On a recent visit, I couldn’t help but notice the new hot trend is to mention Pokémon GO when trying to find someone to fornicate with via the casual encounters section. Typically these posts are by men looking for women to play the game with before, during, or after fucking, but there were some gay posts here and there.

On my most recent excursion, I did what any professional games blogger would do and screen capped a few of these ads from all over the world to share with you. Get ready for foul language, puns, blurred asses and dicks — one of which is just the reflection of it in a toilet that looks full of piss with a Pikachu on the rim — and of course, the one that particularly disturbed me, a 55-year-old man talking about finding a Pokémon in his pants.

Click here to see the full NSFW gallery.

The Top Upcoming Games I Personally Hope to Get Censored

Recently I’ve been told time and time again that I’m personally responsible for the localization changes made to Fire Emblem: Fates by Nintendo of America’s Treehouse team. So I’ve decided to take my newly discovered superpower for a spin and list some titles I hope to get censored.

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Street Fighter V

I know what you’re saying, “But Dr. Dinosexual aka Jed, isn’t Street Fighter V already out?” I mean, technically you’re right, but you’re also wrong. The game was released with many features missing such as Arcade and challenges modes. Since the game isn’t finished, there is still time to get things censored, such as the oversexualized costumes for Laura and Mika. You’re probably already composing an angry tweet saying something along the lines of, “BUT WHAT ABOUT SEXY RYU!?” Listen, when I can see as much ass meat of Ryu as I can of Laura and Mika then you have a point; otherwise hush.

Doom

Across most every trailer for the upcoming Doom reboot, I’ve had the same complaint: I hate the piss filter, and I hate the constant kill animations. Bethesda has taken notice and has removed or at least toned down the yellow filter; the kill animations are still found in the latest trailer. While the kill animations are themselves cool, the amount of time they take away from the action seems excessive; especially considering the campaign reportedly takes around 16 hours. Those few second animations will quickly add up; perhaps that is why the campaign will take so damned long. So Bethesda, ID, cut this shit out.

Great Detective Pikachu

I seriously can’t wait for Great Detective Pikachu, especially if Nintendo does what it knows it should do and hires Hollywood superstar Danny DeVito to voice the lead. One thing I could do without is the cat calling seen in the above video. Is it really family friendly to depict Pikachu as player who harasses women on the street? Come on Nintendo.

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The Legend of Zelda Wii U

The Wii U is dead, and its corpse shouldn’t hold back the next game in the Zelda series, which is why I’m suggesting Nintendo cancel the Wii U version and move all development to a graphically superior version for their upcoming console codenamed the NX. Don’t pull a Twilight Princess and hold your console back by releasing its big game on the previous console, come out strong with the NX with an exclusive Zelda.

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Tom Clancy’s The Division

Watch the above GIF. Keep watching it. Does it make you happy? Are you laughing? No? Why not? Don’t like to see defenseless animals gunned down in the street? Me neither. Ubisoft, I realize animals exist in real life and can be gunned down, but in real life humans don’t take tens of bullets before they go down; maybe you could cut out murdering dogs which adds nothing of value to the game.


I look forward to all these changes swiftly being made so we can all enjoy these games as they should be, censored to my liking. I’d like to thank these billion dollar corporations for giving such weight to my words and acknowledging my power and impact in the gaming community. Now, if only Sega would listen and stop making Sonic the Hedgehog games.