Recent Pokemon GO changes make the game even more like the main series, so stop crying

With the recent update of Pokémon GO Niantic removed the feet icon from beneath monsters, a feature that only worked around the first week of launch that allowed players to have an idea of how far away their intended target was. Then today sites used to cheat and see where Pokémon spawn have been shut down apparently at the request of Niantic and Nintendo.

Now everywhere I look I see people outraged that they can no longer see footprints or cheat by using external websites and honestly, you’re all fucking casuals. A tried and truePokémon player would recognize that this only makes the game more like the core series. Now instead of relying on websites to spoonfeed you the location of creature spawns, you actually have to wander around and hope you stumble upon one, just like every other game in the series; also how the game has been played in every country since release except the first few. Niantic realized it didn’t need this feature to be successful.

I guess ‘only 90’s kids remember’ that?

What has been known as the ‘three steps bug’ has been around for some time, meaning you’ve been playing the game this way anyways, so what is the big deal? You still can find creatures by watching to see which is closest to the top of your tracker as far as I know, which means it is even easier than the core series.

Now I know what some of you will say, “But Jed, in the games creatures only spawn in certain areas of the world.” You’re correct, and it is the exact same thing in Pokémon GO, as certain creatures only spawn in certain regions, and many parks spawn the same Pokémondaily. If you’re near water, then water based monsters spawn, which is just like in the games!

Don’t get me wrong, I understand why you’d be upset over a feature being removed from a game, but it still plays exactly the same, only now you can’t cheat. So stop being casual, start wondering around more, and try not to get shot. Protip: it is harder to catch Pokémonwith tears in your eyes.

If you want to see underage characters’ underwear either learn Japanese or make your own games

I’m so sick of hearing about “SINSORSHIP!” of video games when talking about localization of games for English-speaking markets. Localization changes have literally happened since the 80s during the NES era, if not sooner. Nintendo used to be known for removing any reference to any type of drugs, including alcohol and cigarettes, to removing anything remotely religious like crucifixes.

But I have a message to all the people crying about it, and it is the message they have been sending me for a long time “Toughen up, and if you don’t like it make your own games, or buy different games.” Also, instead of crying about it, if underage females’ panties are so important to you, learn Japanese, import or hack your console to make it region-free, and play the game “as it was meant to be” as you say.

Like for real, shut the fuck up with this constant crying and outrage, it is practically all you do. This never used to be a thing till the internet became a thing, and now you have people like “CENSORED GAMING” on YouTube who practically make a living off of seeking out things to be outraged about. Things that mostly involve creepily looking up the skirts of virtual tweens, or vagina bones, because that is a real phrase that came out of a real person’s mouth as they got outraged over the ‘removal’ of them.

After literally decades of not being represented in video games, and still having maybe one or two characters that even remotely resemble me (chubby / large pansexual bearded guy) anytime I speak up about this I’m dogpiled by people that want to censor my voice, want me to shut up, want me to just “deal with it and grow up,” and so on. Well, take your own fucking medicine, you sad, little, perverted man-children. At least I’m trying to get things changed for the better, you just care about seeing the underwear of children. Sick.

Top 10 games that would be better with Aerosmith

I’ve recently had the epiphany that any game featuring Aerosmith — the objectively greatest Rock ‘N Roll band of all time — is better off for it. I’d even go as far as to say Aerosmith has the Midas touch when it comes to video games, as I can’t think of a single bad game that Aerosmith has been involved in.

Steven Tyler and his band have touched such classics like Dead or Alive 3, Saints Row IV, and Grand Theft Auto IV as well as starring in games such as Guitar Hero: Aerosmith, and Revolution X, the arcade shooter where the band helps overthrow an oppressive new world order.

Here are the top ten games that would be objectively made better by adding in the majestic sounds of Aerosmith.

Click to see the list.

MLG and Valve could do more to get women interested in Counter-Strike

In keeping my word of continuing to go to MLG events, I recently went to the Nationwide Arena in downtown Columbus, Ohio for the first Counter-Strike: Global Offensive Major in America, which was also the first to have a prize pool of $1 million thanks to Valve bumping the pot up from $250,000.

While there, I noticed the event was a total sausagefest, and I’ve been thinking about that ever since. There are things MLG and Valve could do to get more women interested in both eSports and Counter-Strike, but perhaps the organizers just haven’t considered them. Luckily, I’m here to remedy that.

Read my full opinion piece right here.

A non-hipster walking simulator for Cliff Bleszinski

Yesterday, famed game designer Cliff Bleszinski — famous for creating Jazz Jackrabbit and the Gears of War series — decided it was finally time to give Firewatch a play.

Just 15 minutes in, Cliff quit the game and tweeted, “Yeah I respect the devs of Firewatch and don’t mind walking sims but it is entirely too hipster for me, not gonna stick with it, sorry.”

People quickly took offense to this and let Dude Huge know about it, to which he politely responded, “Some overly sensitive Lena Dunham Brooklyn beard wearing types are, like, gonna unfollow me now over my Firewatch posts. FUCK OFF.”

But Cliff also wanted his followers to know that he is a sensitive guy with real feelings, noting, “I keep an open perspective on all games. Cibele drove me to tears. Firewatch bored me. Deal with it.”

Yeah I respect the devs of Firewatch and don’t mind walking sims but it is entirely too hipster for me, not gonna stick with it, sorry.

What I’ve gathered from Cliff’s Twitter is that he wants a walking simulator that is as mainstream as possible. So without further adieu, the most mainstream walking sim ever created, just for you, Cliffy B:

See the mainstream walking simulator right here.

The Top Upcoming Games I Personally Hope to Get Censored

Recently I’ve been told time and time again that I’m personally responsible for the localization changes made to Fire Emblem: Fates by Nintendo of America’s Treehouse team. So I’ve decided to take my newly discovered superpower for a spin and list some titles I hope to get censored.

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Street Fighter V

I know what you’re saying, “But Dr. Dinosexual aka Jed, isn’t Street Fighter V already out?” I mean, technically you’re right, but you’re also wrong. The game was released with many features missing such as Arcade and challenges modes. Since the game isn’t finished, there is still time to get things censored, such as the oversexualized costumes for Laura and Mika. You’re probably already composing an angry tweet saying something along the lines of, “BUT WHAT ABOUT SEXY RYU!?” Listen, when I can see as much ass meat of Ryu as I can of Laura and Mika then you have a point; otherwise hush.

Doom

Across most every trailer for the upcoming Doom reboot, I’ve had the same complaint: I hate the piss filter, and I hate the constant kill animations. Bethesda has taken notice and has removed or at least toned down the yellow filter; the kill animations are still found in the latest trailer. While the kill animations are themselves cool, the amount of time they take away from the action seems excessive; especially considering the campaign reportedly takes around 16 hours. Those few second animations will quickly add up; perhaps that is why the campaign will take so damned long. So Bethesda, ID, cut this shit out.

Great Detective Pikachu

I seriously can’t wait for Great Detective Pikachu, especially if Nintendo does what it knows it should do and hires Hollywood superstar Danny DeVito to voice the lead. One thing I could do without is the cat calling seen in the above video. Is it really family friendly to depict Pikachu as player who harasses women on the street? Come on Nintendo.

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The Legend of Zelda Wii U

The Wii U is dead, and its corpse shouldn’t hold back the next game in the Zelda series, which is why I’m suggesting Nintendo cancel the Wii U version and move all development to a graphically superior version for their upcoming console codenamed the NX. Don’t pull a Twilight Princess and hold your console back by releasing its big game on the previous console, come out strong with the NX with an exclusive Zelda.

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Tom Clancy’s The Division

Watch the above GIF. Keep watching it. Does it make you happy? Are you laughing? No? Why not? Don’t like to see defenseless animals gunned down in the street? Me neither. Ubisoft, I realize animals exist in real life and can be gunned down, but in real life humans don’t take tens of bullets before they go down; maybe you could cut out murdering dogs which adds nothing of value to the game.


I look forward to all these changes swiftly being made so we can all enjoy these games as they should be, censored to my liking. I’d like to thank these billion dollar corporations for giving such weight to my words and acknowledging my power and impact in the gaming community. Now, if only Sega would listen and stop making Sonic the Hedgehog games.