Review: Quadrilateral Cowboy

If Wes Anderson made a hacking game…

I’m typically wary of any title that features any type of hacking or coding, as they tend to be monotonous, but I’m so very glad I didn’t pass up on Quadrilateral Cowboy. This adventure centers around a group of three women in the 1980s as they take various jobs hacking and stealing information.

The jobs start simple enough, only requiring connecting your devices to ports and pressing open, before quickly adding in coding, controlling robots, and even jump pads that launch you across the air. You’ll be hacking in apartments, skyscrapers, and even in space. No two levels feel alike, which kept the experience feeling fresh from start to finish, which took me about five hours total.

If you’ve ever played Blendo Games other adventure game, Thirty Flights of Loving, then you’ll quickly recognize the same boxy yet attractive art style, and hip Wes Anderson-like characters and color schemes, only this time mixed with lots of hacking. The hacking is done somewhat realistically via using various programs on a portable computer such as telnet and even remote control robots, though calling it hacking is a stretch as it is bit closer to basic coding, though that isn’t a bad thing.

Read my full review here.

Preview: Have a Wild Cooking Adventure in Overcooked

If you haven’t yet heard of Overcooked, don’t worry —  you will more than likely get an earful from friends, family, and coworkers once it releases. I can confirm the game is a blast to play, having spent some time with an early build of the game this week.

Overcooked  is a zany cooking game for between one and four players that can be played either cooperatively or competitively. The story mode has players going back in time to learn to cook better under the supervision of an onion king and his pet dog, thus preventing the pending apocalypse caused by a giant spaghetti and meatballs monster. Yes, really.

Read my full preview here.

Recent Pokemon GO changes make the game even more like the main series, so stop crying

With the recent update of Pokémon GO Niantic removed the feet icon from beneath monsters, a feature that only worked around the first week of launch that allowed players to have an idea of how far away their intended target was. Then today sites used to cheat and see where Pokémon spawn have been shut down apparently at the request of Niantic and Nintendo.

Now everywhere I look I see people outraged that they can no longer see footprints or cheat by using external websites and honestly, you’re all fucking casuals. A tried and truePokémon player would recognize that this only makes the game more like the core series. Now instead of relying on websites to spoonfeed you the location of creature spawns, you actually have to wander around and hope you stumble upon one, just like every other game in the series; also how the game has been played in every country since release except the first few. Niantic realized it didn’t need this feature to be successful.

I guess ‘only 90’s kids remember’ that?

What has been known as the ‘three steps bug’ has been around for some time, meaning you’ve been playing the game this way anyways, so what is the big deal? You still can find creatures by watching to see which is closest to the top of your tracker as far as I know, which means it is even easier than the core series.

Now I know what some of you will say, “But Jed, in the games creatures only spawn in certain areas of the world.” You’re correct, and it is the exact same thing in Pokémon GO, as certain creatures only spawn in certain regions, and many parks spawn the same Pokémondaily. If you’re near water, then water based monsters spawn, which is just like in the games!

Don’t get me wrong, I understand why you’d be upset over a feature being removed from a game, but it still plays exactly the same, only now you can’t cheat. So stop being casual, start wondering around more, and try not to get shot. Protip: it is harder to catch Pokémonwith tears in your eyes.

The men of Craigslist attempt to capitalize on Pokemon GO’s popularity to have sex

Sometimes I like to stare into the abyss known as the personals section on popular classified ads site Craigslist. I’m not sure why I do this to myself because I always walk away disturbed. On a recent visit, I couldn’t help but notice the new hot trend is to mention Pokémon GO when trying to find someone to fornicate with via the casual encounters section. Typically these posts are by men looking for women to play the game with before, during, or after fucking, but there were some gay posts here and there.

On my most recent excursion, I did what any professional games blogger would do and screen capped a few of these ads from all over the world to share with you. Get ready for foul language, puns, blurred asses and dicks — one of which is just the reflection of it in a toilet that looks full of piss with a Pikachu on the rim — and of course, the one that particularly disturbed me, a 55-year-old man talking about finding a Pokémon in his pants.

Click here to see the full NSFW gallery.

If you want to see underage characters’ underwear either learn Japanese or make your own games

I’m so sick of hearing about “SINSORSHIP!” of video games when talking about localization of games for English-speaking markets. Localization changes have literally happened since the 80s during the NES era, if not sooner. Nintendo used to be known for removing any reference to any type of drugs, including alcohol and cigarettes, to removing anything remotely religious like crucifixes.

But I have a message to all the people crying about it, and it is the message they have been sending me for a long time “Toughen up, and if you don’t like it make your own games, or buy different games.” Also, instead of crying about it, if underage females’ panties are so important to you, learn Japanese, import or hack your console to make it region-free, and play the game “as it was meant to be” as you say.

Like for real, shut the fuck up with this constant crying and outrage, it is practically all you do. This never used to be a thing till the internet became a thing, and now you have people like “CENSORED GAMING” on YouTube who practically make a living off of seeking out things to be outraged about. Things that mostly involve creepily looking up the skirts of virtual tweens, or vagina bones, because that is a real phrase that came out of a real person’s mouth as they got outraged over the ‘removal’ of them.

After literally decades of not being represented in video games, and still having maybe one or two characters that even remotely resemble me (chubby / large pansexual bearded guy) anytime I speak up about this I’m dogpiled by people that want to censor my voice, want me to shut up, want me to just “deal with it and grow up,” and so on. Well, take your own fucking medicine, you sad, little, perverted man-children. At least I’m trying to get things changed for the better, you just care about seeing the underwear of children. Sick.

Preview: ABZU Combines Journey and Ecco

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming,” I happily sang to myself, making my way through seaweed and surrounded by 10,000 fish in the beautiful Abzu.

The graphical stylings of Abzu may seem familiar to anyone who played the critically acclaimed PlayStation exclusive Journey, as the art director of that game, Matt Nava, is the lead of this project. Both games also share a composer in Austin Wintory, and a genre, as both are linear story-driven exploration game. However, this is single-player only, underwater, and coming to PC as well as PS4.

While story details were scarce in the short demo I played, I was able to spy some paintings that alluded to the origins of the humanoid character I was playing as. At first glance, you might think she is human, but no humans I know can swim fast enough to jump out of the water like a dolphin or communicate with fish. Plus, my demo ended with me entering a giant alien looking underwater structure. I was certainly left intrigued and wanting more.

Read my full preview here.

Review: FRU

I remember being excited about the original Kinect launching for the Xbox 360, back when I worked in retail. Our store even had a midnight opening for it, which was a rarity in those days.

Since then, I’ve played a majority of games released over the years for the device on both Xbox 360 and Xbox One, from the fantastic bowling in Kinect Sports (which caused my mom and grandma to buy Xbox 360s), to dancing my ass off in Dance Central and Just Dance, to the downright awful Fable: The Journey and Commander Cherry. Heck, I’ve even played completely unreleased games such as the Xbox 360 version of Crimson Dragon that I managed to get my hands on. I don’t know why, but I’ve been obsessed with Kinect since launch even though most of its games suck raunchy balls and taint with a bit too few teeth for my liking.

So my words should hold some weight when I say that FRU is easily the best traditional game ever released for the tech. Unfortunately, it also has the worst timing — it seems Kinect is all but officially dead as the upcoming Xbox One S revision requires an additional cable to even use it.

Read the rest of my review here.

Review: Monster Hunter Generations

The monster hits of Monster Hunter.

Monster Hunter Generations features locations and monsters from all across the series, as well as some new favorites to boot. On top of that, you’ve got additional ways to play—different hunter styles, hunter arts, and Prowler mode where you can take control of one of your Palicoes. If it isn’t obvious, let me make it clear for you: Generations is the best game so far in the Monster Hunter series and is a great place to start even if you have never played any of the others.

Previously Monster Hunter was known as the grind-filled action RPG where you hunt and kill giant monsters (read: dinosaurs, dragons, and giant ancient beasts) to collect their body parts, which are then used to make better weapons and armor so you can fight even more monsters. While the main core gameplay is the same, I have never felt like Generations is a grind, as Capcom has simplified things a bit for the better.

Read the full review here.

Review: Rhythm Heaven Megamix

Rhythm Heaven is a first party Nintendo IP that has been around since 2009, spanning over four games across four different consoles, yet I imagine most gamers wouldn’t be able to tell you the first thing about it. Heck, I’m a huge fan of Nintendo’s IPs and I haven’t done more than sample the series until now, but that’s okay because Rhythm Heaven Megamix combines all of the best parts of the old games into one colourful, over the top, portable mega mix.

For the uninitiated, Rhythm HeavenMegamix is a like a combination of a music game and a WarioWaregame. That is to say, it is a series of short, extremely random mini-games that has you pressing only a couple of buttons to complete, with each game only lasting a two or three minutes tops. Unlike most games in the music genre, you won’t find an easy-to-follow icon letting you know when to press buttons, instead, you’ll have to time your button presses to the music and zany visuals on the top screen. The bottom screen serves only to let you know whether or not those button presses were on time.

Read my full review here.