The Top Upcoming Games I Personally Hope to Get Censored

Recently I’ve been told time and time again that I’m personally responsible for the localization changes made to Fire Emblem: Fates by Nintendo of America’s Treehouse team. So I’ve decided to take my newly discovered superpower for a spin and list some titles I hope to get censored.

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Street Fighter V

I know what you’re saying, “But Dr. Dinosexual aka Jed, isn’t Street Fighter V already out?” I mean, technically you’re right, but you’re also wrong. The game was released with many features missing such as Arcade and challenges modes. Since the game isn’t finished, there is still time to get things censored, such as the oversexualized costumes for Laura and Mika. You’re probably already composing an angry tweet saying something along the lines of, “BUT WHAT ABOUT SEXY RYU!?” Listen, when I can see as much ass meat of Ryu as I can of Laura and Mika then you have a point; otherwise hush.

Doom

Across most every trailer for the upcoming Doom reboot, I’ve had the same complaint: I hate the piss filter, and I hate the constant kill animations. Bethesda has taken notice and has removed or at least toned down the yellow filter; the kill animations are still found in the latest trailer. While the kill animations are themselves cool, the amount of time they take away from the action seems excessive; especially considering the campaign reportedly takes around 16 hours. Those few second animations will quickly add up; perhaps that is why the campaign will take so damned long. So Bethesda, ID, cut this shit out.

Great Detective Pikachu

I seriously can’t wait for Great Detective Pikachu, especially if Nintendo does what it knows it should do and hires Hollywood superstar Danny DeVito to voice the lead. One thing I could do without is the cat calling seen in the above video. Is it really family friendly to depict Pikachu as player who harasses women on the street? Come on Nintendo.

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The Legend of Zelda Wii U

The Wii U is dead, and its corpse shouldn’t hold back the next game in the Zelda series, which is why I’m suggesting Nintendo cancel the Wii U version and move all development to a graphically superior version for their upcoming console codenamed the NX. Don’t pull a Twilight Princess and hold your console back by releasing its big game on the previous console, come out strong with the NX with an exclusive Zelda.

what-you-can-actually-do-in-the-division-beta-145399704639

Tom Clancy’s The Division

Watch the above GIF. Keep watching it. Does it make you happy? Are you laughing? No? Why not? Don’t like to see defenseless animals gunned down in the street? Me neither. Ubisoft, I realize animals exist in real life and can be gunned down, but in real life humans don’t take tens of bullets before they go down; maybe you could cut out murdering dogs which adds nothing of value to the game.


I look forward to all these changes swiftly being made so we can all enjoy these games as they should be, censored to my liking. I’d like to thank these billion dollar corporations for giving such weight to my words and acknowledging my power and impact in the gaming community. Now, if only Sega would listen and stop making Sonic the Hedgehog games.

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4 comments

  1. vzeman79 · March 3, 2016

    > Don’t like to see defenseless animals gunned down in the street? Me neither. Ubisoft, I realize animals exist in real life and can be gunned down, but in real life humans don’t take tens of bullets before they go down; maybe you could cut out murdering dogs which adds nothing of value to the game.

    Why do you care more about the dogs being gunned down in the game than the people? This does not make any sense. If you are OK with the game allowing to kill people, your complaint is inconsistent with the rest of your opinion. Also, nobody forces you to do it, nobody forces you to play the game at all.

    I do not like the cringe in romantic comedies, so I do not watch them. I do not like news about kids being hurt or abused either on TV or in news papers, so I do not watch such news or read such news.

    I totally respect other people’s wishes to watch and read those things. **I do not call for censorship of things just because I do not like them.** Why do you, just because **you** do not like it?

    Like

    • Jed Whitaker · March 3, 2016

      If the dogs had guns like humans, I’d be totally okay with it.

      Like

      • vzeman79 · March 3, 2016

        It is fine not to like it. But calling for censorship is whole different level. It is pretty totalitarian.

        Like

      • Jed Whitaker · March 3, 2016

        I feel like this article went over your head a bit.

        Like

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